Memoirs of These Dying Eyes
by rockstarhobbit
Summary: COMPLETED. Oneshot. That was when he realized, life didn’t pass before you eyes right when you died, it waited until after you were dead.


**Memoir of These Dying Eyes**

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**Summary: **One-shot. That was when he realized, life didn't pass before you eyes right when you died, it waited until after you were dead.

**A/n:** Major Spoilers for the Finale… stupid finale, I still loved it though.

**Disclaimer:** Lost belongs to ABC, and some things in the finale would have been a little different.

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His eyes shut. It happened in a split second. There was nothing he could have done to stop it. He felt nothing as he fell (if you could really call it falling). He should have known better. He could have been in control of this fate, of this destiny, but he made that one mistake that seriously cost him his life.

That one fatal mistake.

**---------------------------------**

_SPLASH_!

Water, all around him. Everywhere. Trying to pull him under. A dull pain throbbed all over. Everywhere.

The last thing he remembered was the boy. They (whoever _they_ were) had taken him.

That was why he had acted so brashly. For once, it wasn't because he felt threatened. It wasn't because he felt his life was at stake. It wasn't because he felt he needed to be the tough guy.

It was because the boy was in trouble.

He was so lost in his own thoughts; he totally missed the dull explosion from above as he fell deeper.

**---------------------------------**

A sacrifice that was what it was. He had made sacrifices his entire life. Sacrifices were a part of what he did. Sacrifices were what he built his life around.

Sacrifice was what took his life away from him in the end.

He didn't have much time, a split second at the most. Between the explosion and his death. But he made his peace in that split second.

He had saved the lives of the other four (in a way). The four that meant nothing to him. The four that he knew his life meant nothing to.

But he was oddly happy with his decision.

Oddly enough, the last (and only) words running through his head were those of Sawyer, or should he say James Ford.

"_And why are we listening to Arzt?"_

Some things never changed.

**---------------------------------**

The next thing he knew, he was above the water, totally out of it, but still with it enough to know he was above water. He could feel himself slipping back under the water, only to be pulled up once more.

His eyes were closed, he saw nothing.

His hear beat pounded in his eyes. He heard nothing except for the rhythm of his heart bear slowing down and the voice of Arzt (of all people).

"_Because I am a doctor and you're a hillbilly!"_

It was right then that it hit him. Arzt was the same Arzt… from… no way.

Why hadn't he seen it before?

More water.

A gentle falling, gracefully as if all problems faded.

**---------------------------------**

It's funny how one can forget things. Only for them to come back so much longer after they had been forgotten, at the most inappropriate times.

At least Sawyer thought it was a highly inappropriate time. He knew he was dead. He didn't know that the other man was dead. But now he did. He didn't feel the water anymore, he didn't feel the peacefulness of death.

He didn't feel his semi-long hair falling into his face.

That was when he realized, life didn't pass before you eyes right when you died, it waited until after you were dead.

He was sitting in one of the desks of his old elementary school. What the hell was he doing back here? He looked around and saw people just looking at him. He couldn't understand why they were looking at him.

He couldn't remember.

But the next thing he saw scared him. "Children," the teacher (whose name was long forgotten by Sawyer) said. "Today we'll be getting a new student teacher, so I want ya'll to be nice to him. Don't be rude or anything. You may have already seen him sitting over there in the corner.

The teacher pointed to the corner where Sawyer was. What?

That was when he turned around and saw a much younger Arzt. He was the student teacher from third grade? How was this possible?

The younger Arzt walked up to the front of the class. Sawyer could tell that he didn't want to be there. He could feel negative vibes flowing off of the man, and he didn't even believe in that shit.

"I'm Mr. Arzt, or Mr. A if you can't pronounce that," he said, sounding a bit arrogant. Sawyer couldn't hold back a chuckle. Arzt… Mr. A… Mr. Asshole?

"James Ford, what is so funny?" the teacher snapped.

"Nothing ma'am," Sawyer said. He hated it when people used his real name, but he had to remember, he was in third grade. He didn't go by Sawyer back then.

"Well, I am Mr. A, and I guess I'll be student teaching you guys for the next few weeks, and I can't wait to get to know all of you."

With that Arzt sat down in his seat in the back corner and Sawyer's eyes followed him until the teacher began teaching again and they automatically went back to her.

**---------------------------------**

Recess couldn't have come soon enough. Sawyer sat alone, eating his lunch while leaning up against a tree. None of the other kids ever wanted to play with him because of his family, and what his family was in the community.

He never cared. He could beat the crap out of them any day.

That was when Arzt came over at sat down next to him. The younger Arzt that is. "So you do this everyday?" he asked.

Sawyer didn't answer, he just continued eating his lunch. Taking the hint, Arzt began to eat him. He watched Sawyer watch all the other kids running around and having a good time.

He decided he should try again. "Don't you ever want to play?"

"No," he answered back quickly, his gaze never moving from the playground.

"And why not?"

"Because they hate me,"

And with that, Sawyer got up and walked away from Arzt.

**---------------------------------**

That night was the horrible one, he was supposed to be with his grandma, but he went home instead. He went home because his mother was upset.

He loved his mother. His mother loved him. That was all he needed to know.

BANG. Pounding on the door.

BANG. His mother grabbed his shoulders. Sawyer had never seen his mother so upset. "C'mon. Got to get you up. He'll think you're still with your grandparents, okay? Get under the bed. Let's go. Listen to mommy, this is really important. Get under the bed, don't make a sound; don't come out, no matter what happens. Don't come out, okay?"

Sawyer nodded his head, terrified. "Okay."

His mom looked into his eyes. "I love you…"

Sawyer hugged his mother one last time. "I love you too, mommy."

"Let's go. Down you go." Sawyer slowly sunk down under the bed. He was more terrified than ever.

His mother closed the door and ran out of the room. "Open this door!" He heard his father shout. He sounded drunk. He sounded angry.

"Stop it. Please stop it. Go away. Stop it. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm calling the police, get out of here. What are you doing? What the hell are you doing with a gun, get out of here."

Sawyer was terrified as a gun shot went off. He heard a thud. It took everything within him not to run out and go help his mother. But he stayed, shaky, terrified, feeling like he was going to throw up.

The door to his room opened and Sawyer held his breath. Terrified, he felt weight on the bed as his dad sat on his bed.

A few seconds of silence before another gunshot. Sawyer could see his father's feet go limp.

He was going to be sick.

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He didn't go back to school for a month after it happened. The court said he was allowed to finish out the year where he was, living with his grandparents, but then he'd have to move into foster care.

He didn't care, but now found himself back at the school.

Everyone stared at him.

He could feel their eyes boring holes into his head. He didn't like the feeling.

Arzt was still there, but now he was teaching. Every now and then his gaze would fall upon Sawyer. But when Arzt looked at him, he didn't feel like he was staring at him for being the kid whose dad killed his mom and himself. He felt pity.

The morning was long for Sawyer. Unbearably long. He just wanted to run. Bolt out of the door and just run as far away as he could go. He'd look around and everything would remind him of his mom. The flowers on the teacher's desk, the way that he could almost sense as if she were there.

"_I love you…"_ Her words echoed through his head. His dad never told him that he loved him. He'd call him an 'ungrateful little shit,' or something like that.

"_I love you…"_

"_I love you…"_

"_I love you…"_

"I love you too, mommy…" James muttered under his breath. His grandma had yet to tell him what actually happened, mainly because he didn't want to know. He was perfectly fine not knowing.

"James…" someone said from behind him, making the poor boy jump up out of his seat at least three inches.

Slowly, he turned around and found himself face to face with Mr. Arzt. "What?" Sawyer said, trying to sound like a tough little boy.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Talk about what?" he asked.

"Everyone else was let out for recess five minutes ago," Arzt said.

"Oh," Sawyer said simply.

"I know what you're going through Jimmy,"

"Don't call me Jimmy," Sawyer snapped angrily.

"Sorry," Arzt said.

There were a few very tense moments of silence. "It's okay," Sawyer finally gave in.

Once again, this was followed by tense silence. Sawyer didn't know what to say and Artz didn't want to make him more upset than he obviously already was.

The two sat in silence for what felt like the longest time. "If you want to talk about it," Arzt tried.

"Well, I don't," Sawyer snapped before getting up and walking extremely quickly out of the door of the classroom.

He felt that the sooner he got out of here the better.

**---------------------------------**

But sooner wasn't soon enough as James "Sawyer" Ford felt the icy grip of death on his skin as someone slapped his face. Although he knew it wasn't meant to be so hard, the iciness of the water on his skin as well as the coolness of the air made it hurt so much more than it should have.

A sudden sharp pain shot through his side with a realization of what had happened.

"He's up," he heard someone say. He recognized the voice, but he didn't know where he recognized it from.

He heard someone else saying something, but kept his eyes closed. The pain in his side was getting unbearable. Why didn't they just let him die? He was going to die anyways. He seethed in pain. Why didn't he die?

He should have died.

He could have died.

Hell, he was dying.

His eyes shot open and he found himself face to face with Michael.

"Whoa man, calm down."

Sawyer said nothing and simply shouted in pain as it felt like someone had ripped him open and shoved burning hot red embers in him, then sewed him back up.

He had never felt such an intense pain before.

"Can't you just let me go?" Sawyer snapped. The comment took Michael aback as Sawyer fell back into another bit of pain.

Suddenly, everything dulled. The pain dulled. The cold faded. His eyes slowly fell shut once more. He almost didn't feel the shaking, the slapping, everything about what was going on outside of his own little world.

He didn't feel Michael's fingers furiously trying to find a pulse, or Michael furiously trying to wake him up.

All he felt was peace.

For once in as long as he could remember, Sawyer was peaceful.

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_Fin._

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**A/n:** So, Sawyer did die, originally, he wasn't going to, but it fit in with the story. The finale was amazing, but I still have to watch it again. I am pretty sure he did get shot, but we wont know until next season. So tell me what you think!


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